We don't watch ESPN much, not being fans of obscure sports like Underwater Slug Balancing or Finnish Tourist Wrestling, but we do enjoy their football coverage. For live games, we can ignore Ray Stubbs easily enough and concentrate on Kevin Keegan. The legendary surrealist was on top form for the City v Blackburn game. Speaking of Micah Richards, he said: "I had him when he was 16 and he was a man then, I don't know what he is now...a bigger man, probably."
Oh Keggy, we love you and your poetry. Granted, it was no "I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time", but it was a welcome return to form nonetheless.
We are also falling in love with ESPN's Rebecca Lowe. She's got a deceptively fearless interviewing style, and last week got underneath Sir Alex Ferguson's skin after the Birmingham game, asking him if he felt Rooney had been isolated. The Scotsman scowled and said, "Christ Almighty, did you watch the match?" Such withering scorn has browned many a trouser but Rebecca was unfazed. We also love the way she turns to the camera after the interview to wrap things up, and the manager has to stand there, in shot, looking awkward until the cutaway. An unnecessary but entertaining torture.
And you can also do worse than take a look at ESPN's Talk Of The Terrace on Sundays at 18.30 with Chappers and Kelly Cates. It is occasionally outright funny. Kelly's soft, cheerful, sympathetic voice reminds us of a kindly nun we knew in Sunday school who spoke soothingly to us when we had a digestive accident in our shorts. Can we have more quality women on football programmes, please?
At the other end of the menacing presence spectrum is the fantastic Ray Winstone on Sunday's 606 with Gab Marcotti and Spoony in their celebrity fan spot. "It's all about supporting someone from your manor," said Ray, a fierce East End, Hammers fan who can make even innocuous words sound darkly menacing. Spoony is a Liverpool fan, born in the presumably Scouse part of Hackney. "So 'oo you support, Spoon?" asked Ray, possibly while smacking a short cosh into his open palm. The DJ moved on quickly. This week's guest was John Hartson. Great to hear the big man in such fine form after being ravaged by cancer.
On Saturday, feeling radical and innovative, we turned away from Soccer Saturday to see how Football Focus is faring on the BBC. The presenter was unknown to us but looked through our blood-shot eyes oddly like wobbly-headed wobbly songsmith, David Gray.
After ten minutes we were feeling odd. It wasn't the previous night's tequila, it was because Mark Lawrenson was making sense and putting some work in. We had to go and have a shower to cleanse ourselves of these impure thoughts.
To be fair to it, Focus is a functional football news programme which doesn't actually psychologically or emotionally harm you the way watching football on ITV does. It's plain in comparison to the flair on offer from Sky or ESPN, but we learned that Brian Laws is the 125th manager in the Premier League and we like statistics, so we purred quietly, ate some potato farls and washed them down a with a decent bottle of Fiano.
If we're not talking to a 350-pound pinochle professional in a Brooklyn dive bar, our Friday night is not complete without dipping into Colin Murray. Let us put that another way. Kicking Off on 5live is essential listening for the banter between the Norn Irishman, Perry Groves and Pat Nevin. This week, we learned the sensational news that Pat Nevin, aged 11, stole apples from the garden of legendary Scottish Shredded Wheat-haired commentator, Archie MacPherson. Shocking! A Scotsman eating fruit - they'll surely have Pat black-balled.
The League Cup semi was on Sky, Thursday. We love the illicit thrill of Thursday football. Jeff Stelling was hosting. We worship at the Stelling shrine, but he's curiously neutered in these situations. The energy, wit and quick mind on display on Soccer Saturday rarely appear. However more pressing concerns occupied us: pundits Andy Cole and Gareth Southgate.
It struck us that Andydrew speaks like an amateur ventriloquist and, on this occasion, may have been working a Gareth Southgate dummy. Andy mumbled and seemed to be trying not to move his mouth while talking, while Gareth sat bolt upright as though made of wood, his eyes wide. "Say bottle of beer," we shouted in vain at the TV. 'Ex-Footballers In Ventriloquism Shame' is a headline we'd like to see.
Finally, our Merson Moment Of The Week: Talking about what would happen to Birmingham players if they lost a couple of games: "All of a sudden, the lung comes out your air." Ouch. We reckon that would hurt, and may very well be an injury from which Merse is still suffering.
John Nicholson and Alan Tyers